你应该是面试的时候用的，按照英文的表达方式既然你要介绍自己了就不用说出那句接下来我将介绍我自己这样比较好。就这一点给一点小小的建议。

对什么感兴趣是be interested in，语法注意一下，错误比较明显。

非常建议你能再次把表述的内容梳理一下，尽量有条理一些，表达方式再修改一下，里面的表达确实有很多是中文式的英语。。。祝你好运！

帮你改写了, 请笑纳


Thank you all for being here  I appreciate this opportunity to introduce myself in person

I'm 23   I come from a typical nuclear family in rural China  My college major is accounting

I'm trying to be the first in my whole extended family to earn a PhD, and to do so in a subject that's always been near and dear to my heart

China's planned economy has been on a meteoric rise all my adult life

Every time China's 7% annual GDP growth is headline news, I'm there reading between the lines, checking economic data, walking the streets to find out the truth for myself

I enjoy walking, and even more so running and playing badminton

Running builds character  Badminton make me a better team player on and off the court

I'm living proof that success depends more on perseverance than one's looks or family background

My country folk sensibility for the Chinese and world economies has already made me a better accountant

Please consider admitting me so I would have an opportunity to share my skill and world view


I thank you all sincerely，

不用介绍家庭成员，删除吧

不介绍家庭成员，多介绍你在校的表现及获得的荣誉