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小木虫论坛-学术科研互动平台 » 出国留学区 » 出国考试 » IBT考试 » 托福生死大战在即，作文急需提高，独立一篇，真心恳请各路高手给予点评。
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a05376013

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[交流] 托福生死大战在即，作文急需提高，独立一篇，真心恳请各路高手给予点评。

As population increasing, more and more habitats of animals are cultivated for crops or exploited to set up buildings. Arguing for saving land for animals are those who hold the opinion that maintaining diversity of species in nature is beneficial for integral ecosystem. I definitely agree with the standpoint and will examine below several special reasons for it according to which I believe are the most common viewpoints nowadays.

To start with, excessive exploitation of land for human need will generate a series of environmental problems. For instance, area covered by forest is being replaced by buildings along with enlargement of the city. As a result, tens of thousands of people die from lung cancer because air quality declines a lot in large cities such as Beijing and Shanghai due to lacking of ample vegetation for purifying atmosphere contaminated by human activities, industrial production and automobile exhaust being dominating pollution sources. However, the fact is that problem like this not just exists in single city but dose in most cities around China.

Another crucial reason is that numerous animals lose their habitats used for cultivation and migrate to other areas resulting that extinction of some species breaks ecological balance in certain area. For example, in my hometown, many lands are raised commercial crops such as corns, wheat and rice for promoting local economical development. However, people don't acquire expected harvest since there are grievous injuries to crops because of plentiful pests without their predator such as birds. In addition, farm chemicals are noxious and endanger animal surviving which is another essential aspect of disappearance of species.

Admittedly, I cannot overlook the fact that the more population there are, the more land people need. Increasing consumption of energy everyday demands more power plants for electricity, more factories for oil and coal, and more farms for grains .etc. However, social development should not be at the expense of destroying nature which, in the long term, also has negative influence on human beings. I consider the problem is able to be resolved by improving efficiency of usage of energy and increasing grain yield.

In a nutshell, environmental protection should be put in the first place all the time while people utilize land for extending cities and farms. Living in harmonious with nature is the sole way for people for sustainable development. Is there anyone liking to see the dim sky without any birds and muddy rivers with rare fish?
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1楼 2011-12-28 23:16:39
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yingying1588

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祝福楼主！
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2楼2011-12-28 23:27:51
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li2008jie

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水平很高，评不了
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3楼2011-12-29 08:53:42
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a05376013

铜虫 (小有名气)
引用回帖:
楼: Originally posted by li2008jie at 2011-12-29 08:53:42:
水平很高，评不了

我觉得自己写的不好啊，感觉太中国化了
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4楼2011-12-29 09:40:15
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棉花糖de冬天

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我也给不了评价。。

给些我觉得还行的资源你吧，

里面有个写作频道，你可以去参考下

http://tieba.baidu.com/club/11256038/p/17763171
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5楼2011-12-29 10:38:40
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辉辉同色

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本帖内容被屏蔽
6楼2011-12-29 10:42:37
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phyweiw

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就点评第一句吧，As population increases,或者with the increasing population, 或者With the increase in population.

more and more 换成a growing number吧？前者太俗了。
cultivated前加个invaded吧，生动点。
set up buildings换成for the use of human residence.更直接点。

呵呵，吹毛求疵了。
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7楼2011-12-29 10:54:32
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a05376013

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引用回帖:
楼: Originally posted by phyweiw at 2011-12-29 10:54:32:
就点评第一句吧，As population increases,或者with the increasing population, 或者With the increase in population.

more and more 换成a growing number吧？前者太俗了。
cultivated前加个invaded吧，生 ...

点评的太好了，感觉你的水平非常的高了，谢谢啊！
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8楼2011-12-29 12:10:09
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tianzenmele

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个人觉得还行。
提个建议吧：自我感觉文章写得有点文绉绉，或是说是故意写得有点复杂。

再就是 注意主题句 及 其与你论述的关系。


随便说的，参考就好。 不对的地方，忽略。
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9楼2011-12-29 13:20:14
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gycgycgyc

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建议精简些，少用被动语态和动名词，例如：
For instance, area covered by forest is being replaced by buildings along with enlargement of the city
可改为
For instance, city enlargement projects replace vast forest lands by civil buildings.
这样看起来清楚些。
同理，从句什么的也建议拆分开来。一句复杂句没有，句型缺少变化扣分不会多，错误语病令人无法理解就麻烦了。
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a05376013
10楼2012-01-04 14:08:18
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a05376013

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引用回帖:
楼: Originally posted by gycgycgyc at 2012-01-04 14:08:18:
建议精简些，少用被动语态和动名词，例如：
For instance, area covered by forest is being replaced by buildings along with enlargement of the city
可改为
For instance, city enlargement projects rep ...

非常感谢，分析的很好啊，被动句型确实该少用
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11楼2012-01-04 21:53:56
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