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idance

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[交流] 【Suggestion】求建议: composition - My view on the income gap

Now , I am preparing 2011 Dr. entrance exam.

I planed to practise the english writing.

here is the topic , about 210 words:

My view on the income gap

If anyone could write a writing sample or just write a piece of words about the topic, I will be very appreciated.

Thanks.

below is mine

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In the present age, the issue of income gap is increasingly disturbing. But in the meantime, whether the phenomena is reasonable has sparked much debate. Some people assert that the income gap helps to improve the social efficiency while many others don’t think so. Personally, I am in favor of the former view.

Convincing arguments can be made that moderate income gap can promote social development. To start with, people should get different salary according to their different contribution. Therefore, those who have good income can stimulate others to work harder. Moreover, the income gap can boost efficiency. Specifically, skilled workers who have 10 year’s experience deserve higher income than those who have only one year experience.

Admittedly, the growing income gap has brought some disadvantages. Some people who have low income are in poverty and can’t provide a good education environment for their children. Obviously this phenomena can result in a series of negative consequences.

In summary, I would concede that income gap has brought some negative effects. Despite that , moderate income gap can significantly boost social efficiency and promote social development. Overall, I am convinced that the government should support moderate income gap and take necessary measure to support who are in poverty, such as providing education , training and so on.

[ Last edited by idance on 2011-2-22 at 12:16 ]

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1楼 2011-02-22 10:15:53

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Mally89

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idance(金币+5): thanks for your suggestions 2011-02-22 12:06:49
xia_chong(金币+5): Wow, nice! It is amazing! O(∩_∩)O~ 2011-02-23 20:04:19

first I should say that I have not taken part in this exam, but I think different exams have differnt rules which we should learn as model essay as possible. But from my experiense, I will give my suggestions about what you have written.
1、Convincing arguments can be made that moderate income gap can promote social development. To start with, people should get different salary according to their different contribution. Therefore, those who have good income can stimulate others to work harder. Moreover, the income gap can boost efficiency. Specifically, skilled workers who have 10 year’s experience deserve higher income than those who have only one year experience.

in this part, you just give some conclusions or your views about this topic. I feel maybe adding some simple examples or facts briefly to one of your views maybe much better.

2、Admittedly, the growing income gap has brought some disadvantages. Some people who have low income are in poverty and can’t provide a good education environment for their children. Obviously this phenomena can result in a series of negative consequences.

From my point, I see that you maybe more inclined to the advangtages. So I think this part is not very appropriate. I think u should get rid of the last sentence. It is a repeating of the first sentence. you should add another sentence like this:"Some people who have low income are in poverty and can’t provide a good education environment for their children."

3、In summary, I would concede that income gap has brought some negative effects. Despite that , moderate income gap can significantly boost social efficiency and promote social development. Overall, I am convinced that the government should support moderate income gap and at the same time, it is time to take necessary measure to support who are in poverty, such as providing education , training and so on.

The last paragraph is to sum up and give your side and solutions. maybe stating your view clearly and how to solve the problem are much more important and can get higher scores because Dr. should try to make full ues of their abilities to solve a problem instead of just stating or complaining. you should analyse the deep reasons and suggest some methods.

that is what I think about this topic.

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5楼2011-02-22 11:43:08

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xia_chong

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三更雨~(金币+2): the people who own more and they will own more and more~~ 2011-02-23 19:35:12
idance(金币+5): thanks 2011-03-06 22:42:03

You have discussed the advantages and disadvantages of income gap, which is very good attitude to analyse a phenomenon. Here I want to remind you that it is perhaps more important to discuss where the income gaps are from. I think they are due to some imperfections of our economic systems. But I don't know the whole thing. This is just a hint.