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小木虫论坛-学术科研互动平台 » 科研生活区 » English Cafe » Error- lin » 【Pure water】please help me to revise my motivation letter~please
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铁虫 (正式写手)

[交流] 【Pure water】please help me to revise my motivation letter~please

I was required to write a motivation letter in order to get a position abroad.
But my english is poor,especially  grammar.
anyone who is a english master-hand please help me
thanks a lot!
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1楼 2011-03-07 12:30:54
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
Dear prof. Willem van Eden


I’m a first year MSc student in department life science at the ......University,China.I would like to submit my candidature for the PhD position in Research groups Immunology division,department Infectious Diseases and Immunology, faculty Veterinary Medicine,.......University. With a Bachelor’s in agronomy and an MSc in biophysics, I expect that the PhD position will contribute enormously to my future reserach plans. I also believe that I would be a valuable addition to your department.
Before specializing in immunology,I spent 4 years of my undergraduate studies on various aspects of biology, including general biology, botany, plant physiology microbiology, developmental biology and so on. In the third year, I fully engaged myself into a China-Australia cooperated project about bioenergy. I learned lots of experiment skills and more importantly,how to find possibilities of ture value in certain research area and in multidisciplinaries as well, optimizing the experiment process,and estimating the feasibilities contained  in an idea.
My current academic focus is specialized in DNA vaccine.The very best practical experience of me includes flow cytometry and EILSA.Important experiment skills are,more important is the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively.I met with prof.Oei Hok Liang,who is my introducer, not far ago,he brought my fellows and me lots of developed and novel research highlights,which inspire us and widen our horizons,I am thankful to got his appreciation!
I realized the importance of science reaserch for me when I participated in a project of bioenergy in undergraduate period.Not only of great interesting to do reaserch work,but also bring me the pleasant of creation.Then I determined to undertake reaserch works to fulfill my future career.Then when I was in my first year of undergraduate period,I got to the world of immunology.Kowning it is one of the most research interests in world and the delicate mechanism of immune system,I decided to further my education on this subject.
Personal characteristics of perseverance and diligence will sustain me in the the PhD program.My previous experience has taught me to coordinate my efforts with other highly motivated individuals. I am confident that this background and abilities would serve me well on your departmentyou’re your group. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications and the PhD position in more detail.







Yours Sincerely,


Thanks in advance
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2楼2011-03-07 12:32:29
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xia_chong

金虫 (文坛精英)
Good luck!
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5楼2011-03-07 15:33:59
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kong我就是我

木虫 (职业作家)
so long! I am afraid I don't have the patience to read it to the end
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6楼2011-03-07 16:13:34
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春暖化开

金虫 (知名作家)
i want to help you

but i can't
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7楼2011-03-07 16:30:20
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
I really need some who has patience........
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9楼2011-03-07 18:15:22
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ashen1944

木虫 (著名写手)
“Important experiment skills are,more important is the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively”
“Not only of great interesting to do reaserch work,but also bring me the pleasant of creation.”
I think the above two sentences may have some little question, it is just a feel of myself. I can't give you more suggestions, sorry, i am really poor in English Writting!
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10楼2011-03-07 18:33:37
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日月教主

木虫 (知名作家)

happy
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11楼2011-03-07 18:37:56
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铁虫 (正式写手)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by ashen1944 at 2011-03-07 18:33:37:
“Important experiment skills are,more important is the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively”
“Not only of great interesting to do reaserch work,but also bring me the pleasant of c ...

thank you
actually I am not sure if this is proper too...
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13楼2011-03-07 19:05:56
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
please someone say a word................
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15楼2011-03-07 20:56:11
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by 轻轻轻轻轻 at 2011-03-07 20:56:11:
please someone say a word................

I'll have a try.

but just as a reference
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16楼2011-03-07 21:04:47
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"Before specializing in immunology,I spent 4 years of my undergraduate studies on various aspects of biology"

" 4 years of my undergraduate studies "? maybe it's right, but is there another expression?
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17楼2011-03-07 21:11:20
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"I learned lots of experiment skills and more importantly,how to find possibilities of ture value in certain research area and in multidisciplinaries as well, optimizing the experiment process,and estimating the feasibilities contained  in an idea."

or

"experimental skills"?
and more importantly,how to find possibilities of ture value in certain research area and in multidisciplinaries,
"optimize the experiment process and estimate the feasibilities contained  in an idea as well." ?
"
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18楼2011-03-07 21:19:20
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"The very best practical experience of me includes flow cytometry and EILSA"

or

"The very best practical experience of mine includes flow cytometry and EILSA"

or

"I'm best at flow cytometry and EILSA due to my practical experience. "?
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19楼2011-03-07 21:25:27
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"Important experiment skills are,more important is the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively"?

Important experiment skills are what? what do you want to express?
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20楼2011-03-07 21:28:07
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by 轻轻轻轻轻 at 2011-03-07 12:32:29:
Dear prof. Willem van Eden


I’m a first year MSc student in department life science at the ......University,China.I would like to submit my candidature for the PhD position in Research groups  ...

"I met with prof.Oei Hok Liang,who is my introducer, not far ago,he brought my fellows and me lots of developed and novel research highlights,which inspire us and widen our horizons,I am thankful to got his appreciation!"

or

"I met with prof.Oei Hok Liang,who is my introducer.   Not far ago,he brought my fellows and me lots of developed and novel research highlights,which inspired us(you'd better add the things that the highlights inspired you to do, i think) and widened our horizons.I am thankful to get his appreciation!(or you can say "I am thankful for his appreciation"?)
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21楼2011-03-07 21:35:32
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by 轻轻轻轻轻 at 2011-03-07 12:32:29:
Dear prof. Willem van Eden


I’m a first year MSc student in department life science at the ......University,China.I would like to submit my candidature for the PhD position in Research groups  ...

"I realized the importance of science reaserch for me when I participated in a project of bioenergy in undergraduate period"

"I realized the importance of science research    when     participated in a project on/about bioenergy during  the undergraduate period"
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22楼2011-03-07 21:39:52
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"Not only of great interesting to do reaserch work,but also bring me the pleasant of creation"?

what's the relationship between "interesting" and "pleasure"? "not only, but also"?

not only of great interesting?
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23楼2011-03-07 21:42:34
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"reaserch"

"research"
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24楼2011-03-07 21:44:35
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"Then I determined to undertake reaserch works to fulfill my future career"

maybe it's right, but i don't feel it sounds smooth...

maybe "then i determined to take up researching(take researching?) on (DNA...) as my future career"?

[ Last edited by witch_girl on 2011-3-7 at 22:02 ]
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25楼2011-03-07 21:52:15
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"Then when I was in my first year of undergraduate period,I got to the world of immunology.Kowning it is one of the most research interests in world and the delicate mechanism of immune system,I decided to further my education on this subject.
"

"then, when i was in my freshman year, i stepped into immunology field. since it's one of the hotest spots of research (and the delicate mechanism of immune system? what do you mean?)  , I decided to do some studies in this field for further development"
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26楼2011-03-07 22:19:03
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
"your departmentyou’re your group"?

"I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications and the PhD position in more detail.
"
about the last sentence, you'd better look up some related application.


ok, just take these as a reference. i'm not good at english too, and have no experience.

at last, Good luck to you~
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27楼2011-03-07 22:24:51
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by witch_girl at 2011-03-07 21:04:47:
I'll have a try.

but just as a reference

thank you so much~
I will revise it carefully and ask for your advises tomorrow
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28楼2011-03-07 23:00:49
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witch_girl

金虫 (文坛精英)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by 轻轻轻轻轻 at 2011-03-07 23:00:49:
thank you so much~
I will revise it carefully and ask for your advises tomorrow

maybe i made some mistakes too, and there are still some mistakes in your application.



good night~
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29楼2011-03-07 23:12:34
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zhangxn2010

木虫 (著名写手)
First you should write it yourself , you can invite someone to modify.
After all,you know the application well.
Good luck!
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30楼2011-03-08 08:50:07
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by witch_girl at 2011-03-07 23:12:34:
maybe i made some mistakes too, and there are still some mistakes in your application.



good night~

of course there're mistakes here,that's why I want someone else to check it.

please check my revised work again for me if you had time



Dear prof.  

I’m a first year MSc student in department life science at the .....University,China.I would like to submit my candidature for the PhD position in Research groups Immunology division,department Infectious Diseases and Immunology, faculty Veterinary Medicine,..... University. With a Bachelor’s in agronomy and an MSc in biophysics, I expect that the PhD position will contribute enormously to my future reserach plans. I also believe that I would be a valuable addition to your department.

Before specializing in immunology, I spent 4 years of my studies on various aspects of biology in undergraduate period, including general biology, botany, plant physiology microbiology, developmental biology and so on. In the third year, I fully engaged myself into a China-Australia cooperated project about bioenergy. I learned lots of experimental skills and more importantly,how to optimize the experiment process and estimate the feasibilities contained  in an idea,how to find possibilities of ture value in certain research area and in multidisciplinaries as well.

My current academic focus is specialized in DNA vaccine.The most practical experiences of mine are flow cytometry and EILSA.
Important experiment skills are,more important is the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively.
I want to express that,experiment skills are important and the way to think both scientifically and imaginatively is more important,using a inverted sentence(倒装句) here，and I do not kown if it is right.
I met with prof.Oei Hok Liang,who is my introducer.Not far ago,he brought my fellows and me lots of developed and novel research highlights,which inspired us and widened our horizons,I am thankful to get his appreciation!

I realized the importance of science reaserch when participated in the project of bioenergy during undergraduate period.
Not only of great interesting to do reaserch work,but also brings me the pleasant of to be creative.
I want to use the inverted sentence just as above, to express the maen that to do reaserch work is interesting and when you find you're more creative than before, you'll be pleasant.
Then I determined to take up reaserch works to fulfill my future career.When I was in my first year of postgraduate period,I stepped into the world of immunology.Kowning it is one of the hottest research ares in world and the delicate mechanism [/u](I want to describe the 作用机制  of immune system is very 精妙，actually I could not think of any other words to express the mean of 精妙的 instead of delicate )of immune system,I decided to further my education on this subject.
My previous experience has taught me to coordinate my efforts with other highly motivated individuals and to undertake tasks independently.Personal characteristics of perseverance and diligence will sustain me in the the PhD program.So I am confident that this background and abilities would serve me well in your department. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications and the PhD position in more detail.

[ Last edited by 轻轻轻轻轻 on 2011-3-8 at 22:45 ]
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31楼2011-03-08 22:15:27
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轻轻轻轻轻

铁虫 (正式写手)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by zhangxn2010 at 2011-03-08 08:50:07:
First you should write it yourself , you can invite someone to modify.
After all,you know the application well.
Good luck!

I propose,it is really rude to assume I did not write my letter myself.
of course I used some sentential forms from the motivation letters provided on internet .But most of my work depends on my true felling,If you doubt that, I suggest you do not post your words here anymore.

[ Last edited by 轻轻轻轻轻 on 2011-3-8 at 22:55 ]
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32楼2011-03-08 22:25:06
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niezeyu

铁虫 (小有名气)
i am sorry , that is so long for me to help you
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33楼2011-03-12 22:43:16
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wanghuan0807

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You can do it by yourself,
I advise you to get information from some kind of materials.
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34楼2011-04-06 20:37:54
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