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小木虫论坛-学术科研互动平台 » 出国留学区 » 出国考试 » GRE考试 » 【原创】第一次写GRE作文，过来晒一下，大家批评一下
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dashyi

铁杆木虫 (职业作家)

猪家族--共党猪

[交流] 【原创】第一次写GRE作文，过来晒一下，大家批评一下已有7人参与

这是argument01  
TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."
WORDS: 446          TIME: 01:21:52          DATE: 2011/2/25 10:08:04

This memorandum claim that Nature`s Way will be most profitable in Plainsville. To support this claim the president points out that Plainsville has many residents who are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. He also cites various other evidence that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs, and some nearly closed health club has more members than ever. Careful examination of this supporting evidence, however , reveals that it lends little credible support to the applicant`s claim.
However the president fails to establish a causal relationship between the the high-time of plainsville merchants and the residents. He is failing to consider other possible alternatives to the sales of shoes and exercis clothing at hihgh time and the weight training always full.Such alternatives may include the fact that at that time the neighbor maybe go there to take part in these club and also maybe the vistors are more at there time than other time to buy the exercise things. THen the shoes,exercise clothing ,health club and aerobics classes`s high time may be coused by other alternatives not theresidents.
In addition,the prisident also commits the fallacy of "all thing are equal". The fact that happened on heath club and other stores is not a sound evidence to draw a conclusion that Nature`s Way will be most profitable in Plainsville. Because maybe the residents only like to go to the club, not like to buy the things in the Nature`s Way. The president also points out that the schoolchildren are participate in a finess for life program, so they will cmphasizes the binefits lf regular exercise at an early age. But the president assume without justification that the background conditions have remained the same at different times. These children who may be not love exercise at all be forced by the shool or the teachers. Thus it is impossible to conclude that the store will be most profitable in Plainsville.
To begin with, the validity of the previous experience is doubtful.Only through a short time`s experience is not prove the store will be profitable in plainsville.Maybe after some days, after everyone has the exercise products,they will not need to buy these things.Unless it can be shown that these merchants reports are representative of the future, the conclusion the store is most profitable is completely unwarranted.
In conclusion, the president has not convinced me that the Nature`s Way will be most profitable inPlainsville. To better evaluate the argument I would need more information comparing the store and the local clubs and stores. To strengthen the conclution,before any final decisions are made about building next new store in Plainsville,the president should evaluate all possible alternatives and causes.
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珊瑚岛--军机使
1楼2011-02-25 10:26:45
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林大赤子

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引用回帖:
Originally posted by dashyi at 2011-02-25 10:26:45:
这是argument01  
TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
...

整体还行。句型略显单一，框架有些呆板，建议自己比照着北美范文多改几遍。。。
个人观点，仅供参考。
祝你好运！
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2楼2011-02-27 22:55:21
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dashyi

铁杆木虫 (职业作家)

猪家族--共党猪
引用回帖:
Originally posted by 林大赤子 at 2011-02-27 22:55:21:
整体还行。句型略显单一，框架有些呆板，建议自己比照着北美范文多改几遍。。。
个人观点，仅供参考。
祝你好运！

嗯，谢谢你了，呵呵
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珊瑚岛--军机使
3楼2011-02-28 08:18:17
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fengchi

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yuhuidavid(金币+2): 谢谢交流~ 2011-03-04 09:20:30
好听的话就不说了哈，说一下楼主作文的问题：

首先是模板味道太重了。这一点相信楼主自己心里明白，呵呵。套用模板有一定用途，主要是能快速上手，但问题是每年太多中国考生考aw时都用类似的模板，这样的后果，即使不被判雷同，也可能让阅卷人觉得无聊而不给高分。

其次是时间控制。不到500词的作文写了将近一个半小时……不过因为是第一次写，肯定有不熟练的地方，这可以理解。经过大量练习这一点应该不成问题。

第三是语法和句法错误较多。我草草的看了一遍，至少发现了五六处有明显问题的地方。如果仔细研读，可能会发现更多。在aw考试中，特别是在issue里，很多考生追求思想深刻文笔优美，却不知用词准确行文流畅乃是基础。用来批驳别人的argument中出现大量基本语法错误，其说服力无疑会降低很多。实际考试时，最好能留出三四分钟的时间进行检查。

最后提醒楼主，写aw时，段落之间最好空一行。

以上是我的第一印象，如果说得楼主不开心，还请莫怪。就整体而言，我觉得这篇argument大约能得3.5分。但考虑到这是楼主的第一篇argument，所以会有很大上升空间。希望楼主多多努力，在aw中取得好成绩。
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中兴业须人杰
4楼2011-03-03 12:58:47
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dashyi

铁杆木虫 (职业作家)

猪家族--共党猪
引用回帖:
Originally posted by fengchi at 2011-03-03 12:58:47:
好听的话就不说了哈，说一下楼主作文的问题：

首先是模板味道太重了。这一点相信楼主自己心里明白，呵呵。套用模板有一定用途，主要是能快速上手，但问题是每年太多中国考生考aw时都用类似的模板，这样的后果， ...

谢谢你，呵呵，我努力改正，可是我没太多的时间去准备了，不用模板不行，你有没有什么好的建议，
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珊瑚岛--军机使
5楼2011-03-03 13:03:01
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bigtom999

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yuhuidavid(金币+1): 谢谢参与讨论~ 2011-03-04 09:29:26
我感觉你这篇作文能得个3-4分的样子  注意控制时间
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6楼2011-03-03 14:04:25
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fengchi

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yuhuidavid(金币+1): 说的挺好~ 2011-03-04 09:29:50
引用回帖:
Originally posted by dashyi at 2011-03-03 13:03:01:
谢谢你，呵呵，我努力改正，可是我没太多的时间去准备了，不用模板不行，你有没有什么好的建议，

如果一定要用模板，就参考多个模板，取其精华，自己加工和综合，选不是那么多人都用的词句和表达方式，弄一套自己的模板出来，这样既避免了与大多数人相似，又能有较为固定的套路。不过话说回来，argument对雷同判的不是特别严格，很多人都照抄模板那么写了也没出大问题，关键是把问题说清楚。
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中兴业须人杰
7楼2011-03-03 14:47:07
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wanzhijian

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引用回帖:
Originally posted by fengchi at 2011-03-03 12:58:47:
好听的话就不说了哈，说一下楼主作文的问题：

首先是模板味道太重了。这一点相信楼主自己心里明白，呵呵。套用模板有一定用途，主要是能快速上手，但问题是每年太多中国考生考aw时都用类似的模板，这样的后果， ...

哇，不是吧，500词写近一个半小时也要遭批，那我250词写两个小时，不是就更惨了。
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If not now? When? If not me? Who?
8楼2011-03-03 20:07:58
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fengchi

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Originally posted by wanzhijian at 2011-03-03 20:07:58:
哇，不是吧，500词写近一个半小时也要遭批，那我250词写两个小时，不是就更惨了。

呵呵 500词的文章应该在25分钟以内完成 当然这是在熟练的情况下
加油吧
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中兴业须人杰
9楼2011-03-05 12:28:02
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业镜

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既傻又憨(金币+1): 欢迎常来交流~~ 2011-03-24 23:04:46
ARGUMENT尽量要拿到5分或者6分，否则写作想拿到4分就有点困难了。。加油吧
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勘破 放下 自在
10楼2011-03-24 22:53:35
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