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小木虫论坛-学术科研互动平台 » 出国留学区 » 出国考试 » IBT考试 » 【咨询】第二篇托福作文，重金求改。
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keyares

铁杆木虫 (著名写手)

[交流] 【咨询】第二篇托福作文，重金求改。

作文题目：
Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

作文正文：

                            The modern life needs ability to read and write more
In this period fraught of exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to this digital age.
      20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write.
       Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the word wide web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others. It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. They search terms by search engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently.
      In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose people to have better ability to read and write than in the past.

[ Last edited by keyares on 2010-11-12 at 21:39 ]
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1楼 2010-11-12 21:31:27
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fhj0122

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keyares(金币+74): 2010-11-18 21:15:57
keyares(金币+26):nice！ 2010-11-18 21:17:00
The modern life needs ability to read and write more
In this period fraught of(一句很简单很普遍的话里来了一个很大的词,别扭) exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing(competition就好了,有名词就用名词撒,专业点) and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to this digital age.
      20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen(如果与上面的并列的话,应该是listened) to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write. 一直在描述一个很XX的状况,没有自己的观点,没有一个主题句,通篇下来没有亮点.语句都很平淡.. 其实不需要这么冗长.
       Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is(are) being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the word wide web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others. It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. They search terms by search(ing) engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort (of )the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. 并列结构这么多,看的多累啊,考官怎么想啊? 这么长的句子,要是结构句式富于变化就是亮点,如果都是人人都会的并列结构,就显得啰嗦了,完全没必要Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently.
      In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose(challenge和environment可不会supporse,require还差不多) people to have better ability to read and write than in the past.
通篇文章只是在泛泛的谈,没有一个严谨的逻辑思路和结构. 更不用说组织了.
托福作文是要求你论证一个东西.
我认为….
第一,…理由一~
第二,…理由二~
第三,…理由三
所以,我坚持认为…..
这才是一篇严谨的贯穿逻辑的学术文章.老外欣赏的东西..
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4楼2010-11-18 20:22:20
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lht413

银虫 (初入文坛)
★
既傻又憨(金币+1):鼓励你申请专家顾问或者版主，在板块置顶处！ 2010-11-13 19:22:06
keyares(金币+100):内牛满面 2010-11-13 19:59:17
keyares(金币+25):帮你把税也补齐了。 2010-11-13 19:59:52
Is the ability to read and write more important today than in the past? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The modern life needs ability to read and write more(托福作文不需要标题)

In this period fraught of exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is playing a more and more significant role in vocation competing and daily life than ever before, and becoming basic personal capacity for people to be adapted to（主动语态就可） this digital age.
（这个开头段，就会决定ETS rater们眼睛发不发光。。 所以，务必要在精炼的基础上正中要害，引人注目啊。你的开头是什么信息爆炸的时代啦，几乎每篇文章都这样诶。。。ETS老头都看腻了。并且，这正的是泛泛而谈，要具体，一定要具体。比如，读写能力提高了，就能帮助找工作，表达思想感情，等等。仔细想想：信息爆炸，竞争等与“提高读写能力很重要”之间有什么direct逻辑联系吗？中间的bridge部分呢？）
（每段顶格写，段落之间隔一行，上次说过啦）【请加主题句，一目了然，如： In the past were reading and writing skills less required for individuals due to the less competitive and busy life.】  20 years ago, when the Internet was not widely accepted by the masses, those methods utilized to transport information were confined to traditional media such as paper, telephones, televisons and broadcast. Commonly in a past daily life, people waked up in the morning, read the lastest（latest） newspaper delivered to their mailboxes, listen to the news about the results of football games last night broadcasting in the air, and then went to work, exchanged some knowledge with friends or workmates by talking or calling, and looked up some terms in books inefficiently. Although people did need to write or print words on the paper, the quantity of information successfully delivered from person to person is quite limited. And apparently, people needed less efforts and ability to read and write.
整个段落：
缺点一：无总领全段的主题句，论据模糊。对于阅卷人来说，他必须扫完一整段还要自己归纳你整段的大意，我的神啊，多大的耐心啊。所以。。
缺点二：整个段落都在泛泛地谈以前的一个生活状况。理想的段落结构应该是：主题句+两句引申+example+对example的分析（两句）+一句总结。
优点就不说啦，你的语言还不错，不过需要精炼，要针针见血，多写吧，会有感觉滴
       Comparing to the nowadays, due to the remarkable advance of digital and Internet technologies, a multitude of messages is being transferred conveniently across all of the world. Everyday when we open our computers and connect to the （worldwide） web, we face to a huge flow of information. People have to distinguish meaningful knowledge from the countless news and get the essential part of it to handle the various situation（s） and then make their choice. People not only receive communications but also product a great number of new messages and convey them to others.（这样的句子，完全可以写成倒装咯，增强句式变换）（前面有点累赘，与其花一半的段落来赘述这些鬼东东，你不如加强语言的优美度及例子的coherence） It is obvious to take a market manager for instance. （终于来例子啦）They search terms by search engines, order messages from especial web sites, statistic and sort the information they get, write some reports and send them by emails or upload them to database. Virtually, almost every vocation in the modern age requires people manipulating read and write skills and processing large quantity of information efficiently.
第二段还可以，结构上没有问题。
      In the current day, the world is much more changeable. I cling to believe that the key to stand out from the multitude of masses is to obtain more knowledge and hold more opportunities. Apparently, new challenges and new sorts of environment suppose people to have better ability to read and write than in the past.
给你一个好的结尾结构：
Admittedly, 你不赞同的一方面的优点。。。However, after close and insightful scrutiny, the benefit of …overweigh drawbacks blabla  due to … . Therefore, I need to reinstate my point….够你写很多很多了，并且给ETS的感觉就是，你这个人面面俱到，既考虑到了对方的优点，还加以了一定的客观权衡，是一个综合考虑问题的人。ETS要的就是这种辩证看待问题的能力呀。


这次写的好很多，审题审对啦，结构上也有进步
不过，托福作文就是跟ETS的老头们玩的一次逻辑游戏。你需要做的是环环下套，把他们拉入你设的文字陷阱，所以，你的这个局无比要下的精、准、狠，而且要漂亮优美，让其流连往返。这是一种境界，熟能生巧，加油吧。付出和回报总会成正比的。O(∩_∩)O~
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3楼2010-11-13 19:09:02
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keyares

铁杆木虫 (著名写手)
引用回帖:
Originally posted by fhj0122 at 2010-11-18 20:22:20:
The modern life needs ability to read and write more
In this period fraught of(一句很简单很普遍的话里来了一个很大的词,别扭) exploding information, obviously, people's ability to read and write is  ...

正在写第三篇，希望再来指教哈！
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5楼2010-11-18 21:17:43
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