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Venusy

铜虫 (小有名气)

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虫号: 3668722
注册: 2015-01-26
性别: MM
专业: 细胞呼吸与代谢

[求助] 求大神帮忙修改一下我写的Argument 作文哈~十分感谢~

Title：
The following is a memorandum from the director of personnel to the president of Get-Away Airlines.
"Since our mechanics are responsible for inspecting and maintaining our aircraft, Get-Away Airlines should pay to send them to the Quality-Care Seminar, a two-week seminar on proper maintenance procedures. I recommend this seminar because it is likely to be a wise investment, given that the automobile racing industry recently reported that the performance of its maintenance crews improved markedly after their crews had attended the seminar(1). These maintenance crews perform many of the same functions as do our mechanics, including refueling and repairing engines(2). The money we spend on sending our staff to the seminar will inevitably lead to improved maintenance(3) and thus to greater customer satisfaction(4) along with greater profits for our airline(5)."

In this argument, the author claims that their mechanics should be send to the Quality-Care Seminar which is a two-week seminar on proper maintenance procedures. In support of his/her conclusion, the arguer cites the example of automobile maintenance crew which functions is similar to their mechanics advances a lot attended to this seminar. What’s more, they will make more profits with more customer satisfaction after maintenance. Beyond these data, more specific evidence would, however, be still in great need in solidifying the projected result.
In the first place, the arguer fails to provide complete information in illustrating the performance of automobile maintenance crew improves much when attend to the seminar. The improved performance of maintenance crew might not be the result of joining into the seminar. Other conditions and factors will affect the performance of crew. For example, the maintenance crew may learn a lot from experts in this field and professional books , it is reasonable its performance will be better. For lack of detailed information, we can not hastily evaluate the performance of mechanics in airline will be also improved after attending the seminar.
Secondly, the author recommends that their mechanics attend to the same seminar as automobile maintenance crew which apparently has some positive effect in joining the seminar. The arguer only provides the information about they have some functions alike. But we are not told about these two are not similar enough at every aspect. Maybe people in this seminar are good at automobile maintenance crew but not well about mechanics airline. Unless the author demonstrates that these two are comparable enough, we could not conclude this seminar is suitable for mechanics as well.
Lastly, the improved maintenance may not contribute to customer satisfaction and high profit. Customer satisfaction is influenced by many conditions and factors which includes the fee of flight, the attitude of server, and the efficiency of whole process. Moreover, many other airlines possess well mechanics, if other factors like the fee are better than this airline company, it is more competent to win more customers. Thus, our airline could not have greater profits.
To sum up, the argument lacks credibility, because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintained. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide more specific and clear information about how much comparability the automobile crew and mechanics in airline, and make sure other conditions is superior to any airline companies so that they can make more profit.

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