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捐助贵宾 (著名写手)

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[交流] 【原创】留学文书案例剖析：凭什么搭上LSE录取晚班车？

提示：文章皆为原创。我已加入“维权骑士”的版权保护计划，版权所有，未经作者允许禁止转载，违者必究。

对于21FALL申请的小伙伴们，一大部分已经完成了文书部分或即将结稿。上周研究计划类停更，脑子最近有点不太够用，正好给一位学弟修改了一篇PS，那么，我在这里继续案例剖析的形式，讲解如何“去其糟粕，取其精华”，突破留学文书关。

留学文书案例部分案例可以查阅：

留学文书案例剖析：我是谁？我在哪？我申请啥专业来着？https://muchong.com/t-13716887-1
没有语法错误，就是好文书？差的远了！https://muchong.com/t-13705064-1
留学文书案例剖析：“提交网申前一天，我删掉了这篇PS”https://muchong.com/t-13694593-1

该学弟申请入学目标是20fall 市场营销专业硕士，本篇文章将进行修改前后的对比分析，让大家能更直观的看出什么才是好的PS。

（注意：文中涉及文书材料已获得所有者授权使用，并根据所有者要求，去除部分隐私内容）

开头部分

In my sophomore year, I participated in an activity sponsored by the artistic performance of freshmen, in which I proposed promoting our activities through WeChat, on which students can get the corresponding gifts after reading articles, eventually reaching much attention from nearly 90% students. My experience in reading many marketing success stories made significance and brought me much accomplishment in marketing. The brainstorming with my partners aroused my interest in this field and also built me great confidence.

点评：
◆ 全文语言复杂且不符合用语习惯；从句套从句是英文写作中最忌讳的问题；词不达意，用词不精准；语法错误多；
◆ 作为第一段逻辑混乱，只是将自己有的材料无关联堆砌；
◆ 第一段并没有直接点名读研究生的动机，也无法用强有力的例子证明自己的动机；
◆ 用词不当。PS写作切忌从句套从句；用词准确，表达流畅清晰比用flourish的词汇效果好。

经过不断激发他更好的探索自己的动机，修改后的开头段落如下：

Different from my peers in high school whose bedtime readings mainly involved science fictions, I was particularly obsessed with books concerning business and marketing strategies, from which, I could always find vivid examples in life. Inspired by XXX’s theory of XXXX, I began to collect various stories of my favorite brands such as XXX and XXX. The more I dig into, the trickier I find the diverse cases were. Therefore, I chose to study marketing as an undergraduate and decide to pursue further studies at XXXX university.

点评：
◆ 第一段开门见山，点明动机，思路十分清晰流畅；
◆ 通过一个点和侧面来详细叙述学生的动机，既体现了专业性，也体现了学生的务实；
◆ 语言简单，清晰流畅；虽然用词不复杂，但是地道精准。

内容部分节选

The most influential thing I want to share is XXX Competition as well as XXX Competition. I organized team members from different majors to conduct regular online discussions, putting forward eight innovation marketing strategies for several hot topics. At the same time, we used the WeChat public platform and other short video platforms to make promotion and triggered a hot topic in campus. As the team leader, I not only led to make continuous innovation, but also follow up the case and reported to teachers. My devotion to the competition has endowed me with strong communication skills and teamwork ability.

点评：
◆ 本段开头第一句是非常口语话的表达，不适合用在PS此类学术英文写作中；
◆ 整个段落只是CV的扩充版，机械地说明自己在活动中所做的事情，但是并不能体现自己的品质和技能；读完全段以后，也并不能说服读者自己的确拥有领导能力以及沟通能力；
◆ 段落中涉及很多无用且无聊的细节，比如，“follow up the case and reported to teachers”，此类细节的增添只会让reviewer 觉得乏味，文章冗余。

同样，原稿只有区区100单词说明完的内容，我们一同进行了深度brainstorming，挖掘出了很多出彩且容易被他自己忽略的细节，全方位的体现了他的能力和技能；

修改后案例如下：

Due to my previous excellence, I was selected as a leader for an XXXX competition . By employing my own network, I set up an 8-person team with members from different academic backgrounds within only 2 days. With previous experience, which revealed me that a plan based on data and fact would be more effective, I decided to conduct detailed preliminary investigation first. To ensure the preciseness of the data collected, I spent loads of time designing and modifying the questions listed in the questionnaires, which as I believe, would influence the accuracy of our final results. After the first version of the questionnaire was produced, which did not reach an ideal result, I pretended to be the interviewees myself, answering all the questions with a detailed analysis of the logic and relations between these listed questions. After repeated checks, I detected the irrationality of the question sequences and optimized the questions, which laid a solid foundation for our subsequent research. Marketing as a practical science, should also take multiple practical details into account. How to save the budget was our major concern. Inspired by the XXXX theory, I innovatively decided to reduce the X % discount to X % for the first X days, which could help us recover the cost quickly. The sales of XXX bottles of the drinks were successfully achieved with no extra expense, which was a proof of my right strategy. The glamor of marketing, as I believe, resides in its combination of theory and practice.

点评：
◆ 修改后的PS，以小见大，通过生动的描述，以及有用细节的添加，有说服力的体现了他的学术上严谨性以及活学活用，举一反三的学术能力；要切记，无论是硕士还是博士申请，学术上的能力远远优先于沟通能力和领导力，毕竟继续深造老师更关心的是你能否在学术上有潜力。
◆ 段落字字珠玑，没有多余的细节和语言，每一句甚至每一个用词都是有目的的。比如By employing my own network, I set up an 8-person team with members from different academic backgrounds within only 2 days. 这一句简简单单自然地让读者信服学员有相应的领导能力，而非在PS中自吹自擂空洞得表达“我有领导力”
◆ 全文段落流畅，逻辑清晰；让PS 内容严谨而不失生动有趣。

Reviewer 角度综合点评

PS初稿打分：30/100
审阅时间：不超过2分钟
材料归类：C类
综合点评：逻辑结构混乱；只是CV的扩充版，将自己所做过的工作无条理得堆砌成PS；语言中式，词不达意，可读性太差；内容包括了太多的无用细节，只会起到反面作用。

PS修改后打分：90/100
审阅时间：一般老师对于此类文章都会有兴趣的仔细读完
材料归类：A类
综合点评：语言表达流畅清晰而精准，不存在让reviewer 费力的去猜测作者想要表达的意思；对于学生的经历进行了生动地描写，严谨而有说服力的展现了学生的学术品质和技能；全文逻辑清晰，这也是间接体现学生学术能力的一个侧面。

今天的案例就到这里~之后将带来更多经典文书成功失败的对比案例~

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