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跟着斑竹写作文－Issue48&argu65-限时
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限时写的 把单词和语法错误改了一下而已 写得一塌糊涂... ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten." 历史研究过于关注个人。历史上最有意义的事件和潮流能够成为可能不是因为几个少数的名人而是一些身份早就被淡忘的人群。 History is full of shining stars, Washington, Roosevelt, Churchill, Mao Zedong...Not only historians but also common people would like to research them to know the past or the key to their success. Admittedly without efforts of groups of people behind these famous individuals, nothing can be changed in history. Take a general for instance, thousands of common soldiers died in a war but the winning of the was is attributed to the general only. No one can deny the truth that the war will definitely lose without those soldiers. The general gives out commands, but commands themselves do not work automatically. The winning of a war depends on a wise and brave general, and the general depends on his army including every ordinary soldiers. The most significant events and trends could not happen due to the power of one hero no matter how powerful he/she is. The same is true not only in the army, but also for leaders in political field, scientific field and so forth. However, if we scrutiny the evolution of history to find out the most original reason for those most significant events and trends, we will not blame that the study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. It is the famous few, not the majority who are waiting for orders to conquer tough situations, give the right commands or make out right policies at the right place and the right time. Without their resolution and wisdom--how can people pass through economic depression in a few years without Roosevelt? How can people gradually diminish race discrimination without Lincoln or Martin Luther King? It is those famous individuals exerted more important influence on the history events and trends. What's more, it is difficult to do research on those groups of people behind such heroes. Or we can say, the value of the majority of people is less significant compare to those famous few. There are millions of soldiers of an army, every single of them is almost useless to the war, but when they combined together, the power is frightful. Such scene happens in every field. Each single people plays like a small part of a giant machine, without thousands of these small parts, there will be no scope to display the ability of "those famous few", however, without the maneuver of "the famous few", the machine is definitely of no use at all. Advisable suggestion is: just let historians to study the person who know how to assemble a machine and manipulate it not numerous parts of it. The research of history does not wrongly place too much emphasis on those famous individuals, because without them, only through groups of people can we gain nothing of today's society and history is probably another vision. ARGUMENT65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States. "For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses." 很多年来我们的所有连锁店都储备了很多种类的国产奶酪和进口奶酪。然而去年我们的最新店里五种销量最高的奶酪都是威斯康星出产的cheddar奶酪。而且，最近一次由Cheese of the World杂志所举行的调查显示，其订阅者对于国产奶酪的倾向性越来越高。由于我们公司可以通过限制库存来减少开支，在我们所有连锁店增加盈利的最好方式就是停止贮备很多进口奶酪而主要集中于国产奶酪。 In this argument, the arguer recommends to stop stocking all the imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. To substantiate his conclusion, the arguer cited the example of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic cheeses. What's more, he also cited a survey from Cheeses of the World magazine to prove that people are more and more like to buy domestic cheeses. This argument is unconvincing for several critical flaws. First of all, one reason that the arguer recommends to stock only domestic cheeses is because the five best-selling cheeses at their newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. It is unacceptable to support the conclusion that people all over the country like to buy domestic cheeses. The arguer does not provide any information about the newest store. What if the store in just in Wisconsin and cheddar is the most favorite kind of cheeses for people there not for people in other states? Or maybe there was a sails promotion activity of the five kinds of cheeses. What's more, they sells more do not mean that they make the higher profits. Thus one example is insufficient to establish a general relationship between the selling situation of some specific cheeses of the newest store and people's tendency to buy domestic cheeses all over the nation. Second, the arguer cited a survey of Cheeses of the World magazine, which indicates that and increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. But neither the arguer mentions how the survey is conducted, nor does he indicates the number of the surveyed people. Maybe only a small number of people who prefer domestic cheeses respond to the survey. Or we also do not know whether the subscribers are the consumers of our stores. And no evidence shows that people all over the country would like to buy domestic cheeses rather than imported ones. And the number of selling does not have direct relationship with the profits at all. Finally, the arguer recommends to stop stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses to reduce expenses by limiting inventory and to improve profits. Even if people are more like to buy domestic cheeses all over the country, how about those people who like to buy imported ones? Maybe the profits caused by the imported cheeses are far higher than domestic kinds but the reducing expense by limiting inventory is very low. Or maybe people want to buy some imported cheeses and domestic cheeses at the same time, but after all the stores stop selling imported cheeses, consumers will choose other cheese stores because those stores have adequate kinds of cheeses to choose. This argument is not persuasive as it stands. To make it more convincing, the arguer should demonstrate that the profits of domestic cheeses is far more than imported cheeses and after stocking imported cheeses, the profits of the all the stores will rise. |
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History is full of shining stars, Washington, Roosevelt, Churchill, Mao Zedong...这里用and so on正规一些Not only historians but also common people would like to research them to know the past or the key to[maybe=>of]their success. [个人感觉段首虽非简单同意或不同意但应该明确点回应主题，接着看。。。] Admittedly without efforts of groups of people behind these famous individuals, nothing can be changed in history. Take a general for instance, thousands of common soldiers died in a war but the winning of the was[war,再加个助动词好点] is attributed to the general only. No one can deny the truth that the war will definitely lose without those soldiers. The general gives out[有下达的意思么，发出芬芳我倒是知道] commands, but[一段里不要强转折词，yet可以考虑] commands themselves do not work automatically. The winning of a war depends on a wise and brave general, and the general depends on his army including every ordinary soldiers. The most significant events and trends could not happen due to the power of one hero no matter how powerful he/she is[你是想说仅靠一人之力无法实现么？]. The same is true not only in the army, but also for leaders[跟前对应的话for leader也许可以去掉] in political field, scientific field and so forth. However, if we scrutiny[名词] the evolution of history to find out the most original reason for those most significant events and trends, we will[看你后面的意思用should更好] not blame that the study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. It is the famous few, not the majority who are waiting for orders to conquer tough situations, give the right commands or make out right policies at the right place and the right time. Without their resolution and wisdom--how can people pass through economic depression in a few years without Roosevelt?[前面加for intance引导下，感觉转的太快了，还能增加字数，HOHO~~] How can people gradually diminish race discrimination without Lincoln or Martin Luther King? It is those famous individuals exerted more important influence on the history events and trends.[Thereby....回应下TS] What's more, it is difficult to do research on[STUDY就完了，别跟他罗嗦了] those groups of people behind such heroes. Or [口语感觉，in other word]we can say, the value of the majority of people is less significant compare to those famous few. There are millions of soldiers of an army, every single[前面俩是不是又重叠了maybe each] of them is almost useless to the war, but when they combined[人也用这个词合么，探讨下group] together, the power is frightful. Such scene happens in every field. Each single people plays like a small part of a giant machine, without thousands of these small parts, there will be no scope to display the ability of "those famous few", however[段中强转词不推荐], without the maneuver of "the famous few", the machine is definitely of no use at all. Advisable suggestion is: just let historians to study the person who know how to assemble a machine and manipulate it not numerous parts of it.[稍感举论证和TS不符] The research of history does not wrongly place too much emphasis on those famous individuals, because without them, only through groups of people can we gain nothing[太绝了，民众要跟你拼命的] of today's society and history is probably another vision. 你的提纲也一起发出来更容易理解和学习 1）大众重要性 2）精英重要性 3）研究大众困难 本人菜鸟一个仅供参考。 长短结合 你里面有些词还是很不错的，学习。。。还有个排比句。。。帅~~~ 限时能写到这种程度不错，加油~！ 写提纲去了 [ Last edited by torino on 2006-7-19 at 23:46 ] |
2楼2006-07-19 23:40:51
william98
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History is full of shining stars, Washington, Roosevelt, Churchill, Mao Zedong...Not only historians but also common people would like to research them to know the past or the key to their success.[开头不是很明确。研究的是历史而不是他们的success，建议可以去掉，只保留the past] Admittedly without efforts of groups of people behind these famous individuals, nothing can be changed in history. Take a general for instance, thousands of common soldiers died in a war but the winning of the was [of the war 可以去掉] is attributed to the general only. No one can deny the truth that the war will definitely lose without those soldiers. [从take a general for instance到这里的两句，建议两句之间加上一个表转折的连接词，这样才能突出你举例的目的是要突出士兵的作用] The general gives out commands, but commands themselves do not work automatically. The winning of a war depends on a wise and brave general, and the general depends on his army including every ordinary soldiers. The most significant events and trends could not happen due to the power of one hero no matter how powerful he/she is. The same is true not only in the army, but also for leaders in political field, scientific field and so forth. However, if we scrutiny the evolution of history to find out the most original reason for those most significant events and trends, we will not blame that the study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. It is the famous few, not the majority who are waiting for orders [加个逗号] to conquer tough situations, give the right commands or make out right policies at the right place and the right time. Without their resolution and wisdom--how can people pass through economic depression in a few years without Roosevelt? How can people gradually diminish race discrimination without Lincoln or Martin Luther King? It is those famous individuals [加个that] exerted more important influence on the history events and trends. What's more, it is difficult to do research on those groups of people behind such heroes. Or we can say, the value of the majority of people is less significant compare to those famous few. There are millions of soldiers of an army, every single of them is almost useless to the war, but when they combined together, the power is frightful. Such scene happens in every field. Each single people plays like a small part of a giant machine, without thousands of these small parts, there will be no scope to display the ability of "those famous few", however, without the maneuver of "the famous few", the machine is definitely of no use at all. Advisable suggestion is: just let historians to study the person who know how to assemble a machine and manipulate it not numerous parts of it. The research of history does not wrongly place too much emphasis on those famous individuals, because without them, only through groups of people can we gain nothing of today's society and history is probably another vision. 开头结尾没有之前华丽了，中间的论述有些简单，每个分段层次感不足啊 |
3楼2006-07-20 19:30:56
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4楼2006-07-22 10:11:44