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[交流] 【原创】留学文书案例剖析：个人陈述切忌“四大皆空”

提示：文章皆为原创。我已加入“维权骑士”的版权保护计划，版权所有，未经作者允许禁止转载，违者必究。

上周给大家分享了一个学弟的文书案例，也说好了会继续给虫友们分享更多的文书案例，所以今天就更新了，争取不拖更~今天就主要和大家具体谈谈如何让你的PS可以立体全面地展现申请者的特质。

留学文书案例部分案例可以查阅：

留学文书案例剖析：我是谁？我在哪？我申请啥专业来着？https://muchong.com/t-13716887-1
没有语法错误，就是好文书？差的远了！https://muchong.com/t-13705064-1
留学文书案例剖析：“提交网申前一天，我删掉了这篇PS”https://muchong.com/t-13694593-1

开头部分

My name is XXXX. Now I apply to the PhD of accounting program. With the undergraduate degree of engineering, I transfer major to accounting for graduate degree at University of XXXX. After one-year study, I got straight As and was honored with the scholarship and the job working as the TA for Professor XXXXXX. I still remember the course ”XXXXXX”, which asked us to write a paper for the final exam. I chose the “XXXXX” as the topic of the research paper. I browsed lots of papers and references to refine my viewpoint.

点评：

◆ 全文的开头非常boring, 相当于流水账式的介绍了自己的过往经历。如果要写出一篇引人入胜的PS，开头与该专业的“缘起”就应该用强有力的例子、或有趣的兴趣起源来引入，并证明自己的申请动机。

◆ 作为第一段，从本科写到硕士、从论文写到TA，显得逻辑混乱，没有重点；由于同学的硕士论文及TA经历都是可以挖掘出闪光点的，因此在挖掘之后，重新编排，将她的第一段后半部分扩充成了两个具有逻辑关系、逐层递进的独立主体段落。

◆ 全文语言过于口语化，且不符合用语习惯，用词不精准，语法错误多——尤其是冠词、介词搭配等。这是PS切忌出现的：例如“kind of brainstorm”这样的短句既显得不够正式，也有些表意不清。

经过不断的讨论，我试图合理化同学转专业的动机，成文如下：

As an undergraduate majoring in engineering, I spent hours conducting experiments and analyzing experimental data, during which I felt peaceful with processing those through excel and wrote laboratory reports with charts. The story that Bill Gates preferred statistical data to descriptive documents mesmerized me, and assured my keen interest in dealing with data through accounting. Thus, I transferred my major into accounting at the University of XXXX and was awarded the full scholarship, which allowed me to explore accounting, both academically and professionally.

点评：

◆ 第一段开门见山，点明动机，思路十分清晰流畅；

◆ 通过同学聆听比尔盖茨演讲的感悟、处理分析实验数据的能力来详细叙述学生的动机，既体现了专业性，也体现了学生一以贯之的对专业的热情；

◆ 语言简练，地道精准，确保没有语法错误的基础上，在末句开启了下文。

内容部分节选

I still remember the course “XXXXX”, which asked us to write a paper for the final exam. I chose the “XXXX” as the topic of the research paper. I browsed lots of papers and references to refine my viewpoint. Meanwhile, being a TA in“XXXXX” and set up discussion hours for students, who usually had questions about their projects. During the discussion, we exchanged ideas for one topic, kind of brainstorm, which inspired unique points. This one-year TA experience benefited me a lot, which helped me on time-management and the discussion hours gave me new ideas on academics.

点评：

◆ 虽然描述了TA 的经历，但是整个描述过程中没有体现任何的学术能力；整个节选部分目前只是像“说明书”一样陈述自己所做的事情，并没有延伸阐释两段经历体现自己的品质和技能、也没有提炼自己对该专业的感悟。读完全段以后，也并不能说服admission committee（招生官）自己在会计学方面有很深入的钻研；

◆ 段落语言口语化，非常多的语法错误，baby sentences; 无法通过语言表达去展现学生的专业性；

◆ 文末所提出的时间管理能力并没有在全段中体现，没有任何说服力；同时，the discussion hours gave me new ideas on academics 这句话也非常无力，读者既不知道该申请者获得了哪些学术想法，更不能被说服该申请者有相应的学术能力，似乎全段都在描述做TA的一些基本工作。

为了侧重体现学生的学术能力和亮点，更多从学术角度挖掘学生背景。多次修改后案例如下：

During the course XXXX I wrote a paper on XXXX which illustrated the status quo and the development trend of big data in 2015. However, there was little literature forecasting its business application among the handful analysis from the standpoint of technological change. After immersing myself into hundreds of papers, a piece of news caught my eye about XXX newly applied an office automation system, which gave me the enlightenment that the XXXXXX had been given a new impetus by integrating analytic technologies into orchestrated processes. I confidently anticipated that such a business application would provide an advance in trends in technology and open the door to promptly improve the theory and application level of iBPA.
I was honored with a top 5% score from my research which lead to the one-year TA job for the undergraduate class ‘XXXXX’. Each week, I held classes to answer questions and to discuss ways to define diagrams of the business subject under several circumstances. I illustrated concepts clearly to students. Teaching has helped me deepen my understanding of database design for accounting as well as the importance of time-management and organisation.

点评：

◆ 修改后的PS逻辑清晰，通过有用细节的添加，将硕士论文以及课堂助教两段经历凝练又生动的呈现了出来。有说服力的体现了学员的学术上创新性、严谨性以及作为TA时的学以致用、融会贯通的学术能力（请注意，尤其是申请博士，学术上的能力技巧和成果产出远远优先于时间管理能力、领导力、沟通能力等，毕竟博士项目会更关心的是你能否在学术上有潜力。）

◆ 修改后段落里的每一句行云流水，非常顺畅，同时也为下文做出了铺垫。细节描写更是起到了举重若轻的作用。比如After immersing myself into hundreds of papers, a piece of news caught my eye about….一笔带过提到自己广泛阅读了近百篇相关文献，并最终在其中一篇中获得灵感，可以非常自然地让招生官相信学员有相应的学术热情和科研能力，而非在PS中不断重复’passion/ enthusiasm’ 等空洞的字眼，通过这两个例子，同学的勤学善思的形象就立起来了。

◆ 全文段落流畅，内容严谨而不失生动有趣。

Reviewer 角度综合点评

PS初稿打分：20/100
审阅时间：看完开头第一句，老师就不会继续往下读
材料归类：C类
综合点评：逻辑结构混乱；只是流水账式的记录自己之前的经历；语言中式，语法错误较多，可读性差的问题；内容不够翔实，仅有短短的437字，没有体现自己的任何学术或者科研能力，作为一篇申请博士的PS不够有说服力、更不够有吸引力。

PS修改后打分：90/100
审阅时间：一般老师对于此类文章都会有兴趣的仔细读完
材料归类：A类
综合点评：语言表达流畅清晰、引人入胜、地道凝练。对于学生的三段主要科研/从业经历进行了生动的挖掘和阐述，严谨而有说服力的展现了学生的学术品质和潜能；其实PS这一文书本身的语言达意、语句地道，也是能够侧面体现学生英文academic writing能力、以及辩证思考能力的。

今天的案例就到这里，我之后将分享更多经典文书成功失败对比案例。

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