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rainbow0711金虫 (著名写手)
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[求助]
研一小白 刚写的作文 求大神修改错误
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A White Lie When I read a story about mother's love ，I will recall something on my best friend. my best friend，li zheng，has been living a happy life before I was in grade three senior high school, but everything changed since his father passed away four year ago. I was shocked when I heard the news of partner's father's death. Because uncle li was very well while I met him two weeks ago. My partner's mother is a laid-off worker， so his family's life was more poor because of his father's death. With the coming of the college entrance examination ，his mother decided not to let him know about it. All friend and relatives of him act as if nothing happened and we quietly held a funeral. In his absence，his mother was in tears and three jobs. Until the end of the university entrance examination he didn't really know the lie. Although he is unlucky，he didn't give up the dream of university because of the influence of his father＇s death . In order to reduce the burden of mom，he did a part-time job. Now he has successfully completed the college. Sometimes a lie is necessary and good. From this thing，I know mother's give us hope to overcome difficulties and is very great. |
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michael003
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【答案】应助回帖
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zxhappy: 金币+10, 感谢虫友热心应助~~欢迎常来外语版交流学习~~ 2013-09-22 10:38:08
zxhappy: 外语EPI+1, 奖励EPI一枚，虫友很认真的改完整篇文章，奖励专家指数一枚~辛苦了~~ 2013-09-22 10:39:07
zxhappy: 金币+10, 感谢虫友热心应助~~欢迎常来外语版交流学习~~ 2013-09-22 10:38:08
zxhappy: 外语EPI+1, 奖励EPI一枚，虫友很认真的改完整篇文章，奖励专家指数一枚~辛苦了~~ 2013-09-22 10:39:07
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A White Lie When I read a story about mother's love ，I will recall (这里最好用过去时recalled)something on （这里最好用about，on通常用于学术方面，比较正式）my best friend. my (这里应用大写My)best friend，li zheng，has been living a happy life before （这里应改为since）I was in grade three senior high school, but everything changed since（这里最好用after） his father passed away four year （这里最应用years）ago. I was shocked when I heard the news of（这里最好加上my） partner's father's death. Because uncle li was very well while（这里应用when，while多与延续性动词连用） I met him two weeks ago. My partner's mother is a laid-off worker， so his family's life was more poor（这里最好用difficult，因为前面的主语是life，或者去掉life） because of his father's death. With the coming of the college entrance examination ，his mother decided not to let him know about it. All friend （这里应用复数friends）and relatives of him（这里最好用his，双重所有格的用法） act （这里应用过去时acted）as if nothing happened（这里最好用had happened） and we quietly （这里最好用secretly）held a funeral. In his absence，his mother was in tears and （这里应加上had to do）three jobs（加上in order to support the family）. （这里最好用It was not until）Until the end of the university entrance examination he didn't （这里最好用that he really knew）really know the lie. Although he is （这里最好用was）unlucky（这里最好用in great pain，unlucky一般意为运气不好的，倒霉的），he didn't give up the dream of （这里最好加上going to the）university because of the influence of his father＇s death . In order to reduce the burden of （这里最好加上his）mom，he did a part-time job. Now he has successfully completed the college. Sometimes a lie is necessary and good. From this thing，I know mother's give us hope to overcome difficulties and is very great.（这句最好改为I know that it is mother's love that always gives us hope to overcome difficulties and how great this love is.） 正如上面几位大哥说的，从文章可以可能出楼主写作时中式思维比较明显。建议多模仿一些范文，多写多练，写作水平一定会提高的。小弟只能大概给你在语法层面及选词方面做一些修正，希望对楼主有帮助。 |
9楼2013-09-21 22:31:03