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c408133217

版主 (著名写手)

柯南道尔

[求助] Letter of motivation请大神帮看一下

11月1号前要投出去了,所以希望大神帮忙挑挑毛病,不剩感激,金币不多请见谅。

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for your Ph.D. position XXX. My career ambition is to become a doctor in environmental toxicology.

I have a Bachelor Degree in environmental science from XXX University, with an excellent score of 94% for undergraduate thesis. The university itself is the best university in the XXX Province which has a population of 43.7 million. In 2010 I passed the National Entrance Examination for Postgraduates with the first place in environmental science, and became a postgraduate student after the undergraduate studies. In the past two years I took part in National 863 Program, focusing on high throughput screening of chemical biodegradability using machine learning algorisms. As one paper draft about my previous study was already completed, I am trying to graduate with two papers for my master's degree in July 2013.

My initial interest in toxicology was prompted by the national level Undergraduate Innovative Program that I joined in. In this project a predictive model for mixture toxicity of twelve organic chemicals to Vibrio fischery had been developed, aiming at providing improved method for toxicity prediction. An oral presentation of this result was delivered in the 27th Chinese Chemical Society Congress. In January 2009, I was chosen to attend an academic communication in Japan due to my outstanding performance. By donating my time to this project, I was aware of the urgent need for fast and reliable evaluation tools for toxicity identification with emerging substances released into the environment. I therefore decided to pursue research in environmental toxicology, and fortunately your program offers me an opportunity.

My undergraduate education at XXX provided me with scientific training in chemical analysis as the techniques of alcohol analysis using liquid chromatography, and the high-performance liquid chromatography for sulfonamide determination by external standard method. I am also acquainted with the inhibition toxicity tests on green algae and Daphnia magna in preparation of the Undergraduate Innovative Program. Besides my laboratory activities, I have the experience in marine animals and soil sampling in Dalian Bay and Tieling city that both located in northeast China, respectively.

With advanced skills in leadership and communication, I was twice appointed the leader of environmental class in International Summer School in 2011 and 2012. The routine coordination of summer school exercised my communication skills with people from various cultures and offered me the opportunity to make friends. I treasure the experience that five Swedish and I cramped in a small room, waiting for the altered flight early the next morning when their flight delayed. And I am gratified to fulfill my task considerately with respect to the visit to Environmental Protection Agency and Environmental Monitoring Center. This experience broadened my horizons and expanded my abilities in both communication and leadership.

I want to study at XXX University because of your outstanding educational system and excellent work. From reading your website I learned that XXX carries out environmental studies in the societal and economic context, and works within a network of strategic partners that strengthen the position as a major research centre in Europe. Students at XXX University are offered excellent supervision coupled with a range of services and facilities. All these make me more confident of my choice that the university will definitely help me in my future educational and work progress.

Given my academic background and interpersonal skills, I am confident that I am the type of person with passion and motivation that this position requires. And now I am ready to meet the challenge and exceed your expectations.

Thank you for considering my application, I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,
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要感谢谁陪我走过的青春?
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fjc0422

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挥斥方遒

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【答案】应助回帖

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c408133217: 金币+30, ★★★★★最佳答案 2012-10-30 08:05:32
flyingskynk: 金币+5, 谢谢分享,辛苦了 2012-11-27 19:46:03
写的太复杂冗长,越简单越清楚越好。
最好罗列一个list,清楚一些,教授没有时间度这么冗长的套磁信,况且有点broken English (中国人或多或少都有这方面问题)另外informal language比较多,尽量避免用 "I", 希望抛砖引玉

revision.jpg

2楼2012-10-30 01:33:09
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c408133217

版主 (著名写手)

柯南道尔

引用回帖:
2楼: Originally posted by fjc0422 at 2012-10-30 01:33:09
写的太复杂冗长,越简单越清楚越好。
最好罗列一个list,清楚一些,教授没有时间度这么冗长的套磁信,况且有点broken English (中国人或多或少都有这方面问题)另外informal language比较多,尽量避免用 " ...

感谢朋友细心指点。不过有一点是之前套过磁了,这个是申请要求里要求的动机信。所以第一段比如个人的ambition是不是要保留下呢。
要感谢谁陪我走过的青春?
3楼2012-10-30 08:08:03
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fjc0422

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挥斥方遒

优秀版主

in terms of your motivation is not so strong relatively.  your expression is despicable for your potential supervisors.  you should not always connect the dots.  Try to make some holistic and systematic remedies. lock and load, good luck.
4楼2012-10-30 16:56:44
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c408133217

版主 (著名写手)

柯南道尔

引用回帖:
4楼: Originally posted by fjc0422 at 2012-10-30 16:56:44
in terms of your motivation is not so strong relatively.  your expression is despicable for your potential supervisors.  you should not always connect the dots.  Try to make some holistic and systema ...

多谢,受教了
要感谢谁陪我走过的青春?
5楼2012-10-30 17:05:14
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花小虫

新虫 (初入文坛)

引用回帖:
2楼: Originally posted by fjc0422 at 2012-10-30 01:33:09
写的太复杂冗长,越简单越清楚越好。
最好罗列一个list,清楚一些,教授没有时间度这么冗长的套磁信,况且有点broken English (中国人或多或少都有这方面问题)另外informal language比较多,尽量避免用 "I", 希 ...

想知道您是用什么软件修改的这个?可以在上面自由修改做标记的?
6楼2016-03-16 21:46:43
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