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小木虫论坛-学术科研互动平台 » 出国留学区 » 出国考试 » 小木虫GRE作文第一期，斑竹带头交作业，欢迎点评拍砖
北京石油化工学院2026年研究生招生接收调剂公告
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juliana_zou11

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不错，学习了
有些东西好象看不出有什么不妥，但别人一指出来，又觉的有点道理，可以多找几个高手来推敲一下到底该是怎样的，也好让我们学习学习，共同进步
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11楼2006-06-18 17:25:19
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hbybq

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好哇

楼主的贴对提高英语写作水平很有用的,自己太菜,还是顶一下
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12楼2006-06-21 07:56:58
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kakashi

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不错

下次issue一定和你一起写
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13楼2006-06-23 22:39:47
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searover

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★ ★ ★ ★ ★
hummer(金币+2):thank you
kakashi(金币+3):辛苦了
The arguer makes a conclusion that people at particular risk for the flu should avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun. While the argument sounds reasonable on the surface, a close scrutiny would reveal it is flawed with some unwarranted assumptions that render it unconvincing.这个从句实在复杂，reveal后面应该是一个强调句型吧，整个句子是一个三重复合句。reveal后的这个宾语从句使用的这个强调句型似乎有问题，缺少主语。

First of all, the author assumes that the six worst worldwide flu epidemics were directly attributable to sunspot activity. Although we admit that sunspot activity will brings about negative and severe influence,although与but只能用其一，不可并用。另will brings即强调了因果，可以将influence改为sick等表示一般意义的疾病，从而为下句中无因果扫清障碍。 but no evidence provided shows出现了两个谓语，删一个又看来一下，是不是provided是后置定语？如果是，感觉没必要。 that sunspot activity and flu epidemics are cause-and-effect relationship.为何不像后两段一样把逻辑漏洞的攻击放在段首呢，或许是个人习惯或许是追求句式、段落结构的变化？ It is entirely possible that other factors--such as bad weather, virus, and so on--result in flu epidemics. Moreover the author fails to provide any data about that during other years with heavy sunspot activity whether flu epidemics existed or not. If not, it is obvious that heavy sunspot activity is not the only one cause or not the cause of flu epidemics. In short, without more detailed information on the correlations between flu epidemics and heavy sunspot activity and status when other years with such an activity, the author cannot convince that flu epidemics resulted from heavy sunspot activity.注意标点
应该空一行
Second, the credibility of the medical records is open to doubt. The arguer provides no evidence concerning the number of the available medical records. The smaller the number is, the less reliable they are.修辞用的好，加分 Since the arguer makes a claim about the worldwide flu epidemics, the medical records cited should be able to represent the general situation all over the world. However, we do not see any sign of the procedure of random choice of medical records. In all likelihood, those cited medical records are only about one region or only several regions that are close to each other. This case, if true, will undermines the conclusion of the arguer. In addition, the five years cited are too small a portion of the past 300 years. In order to make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to find out more information regarding the flu epidemics in other years.

此处不应空两个字符Last but not the least, the assumption that avoiding prolonged exposure to the sun is effective to prevent from flu is also unfounded. Common sense tells us that a proper exposure to the Sun is necessary for health and people at different age have different demand for sunshine. Lacking scientific information about the relationship between exposure to the Sun and health, we cannot accept the arguer's points. Besides, since we are not informed of the reasons why people are at particular risk for the flu, it's questionable whether the point made by the arguer will apply to them. There might be other better ways for people at risk for the flu to keep healthy, such as doing exercise, taking vitamins.

To summarize, to strength the argument, the author need to provide more detailed information and data to prove the sunspot activity and flu epidemics are connected with closely.看别人改，也改一下试试prove the direct relationship between the sunspot activity and flu epidemics. To better convince the readers, the author should draw different conclusion based on different the extent of the Sun, instead of superficial generalizations.
总的来说，逻辑漏洞把握准确，批驳技巧掌握熟练，是一篇质量不错的argument，细节再注意一些就更好了
and，加油~

[ Last edited by searover on 2006-6-26 at 22:58 ]
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14楼2006-06-26 22:55:51
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agno3

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努力学习英语中，看不大懂，纯顶！
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15楼2006-06-27 15:35:42
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gjgx1

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16楼2006-06-28 13:58:37
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tianyingqun

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总体感觉不错啊.鼓励一下.
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17楼2006-07-11 06:13:25
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xinqing99998

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:写的很好啊
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18楼2006-07-14 08:31:06
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wsspf2000

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文笔很好
看来兄弟看了很多文章
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19楼2006-07-19 15:43:08
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shaoweishen

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不错的医学短篇文章
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20楼2006-07-21 23:30:51
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