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freedomzzr

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[交流] 【留学文书详解】PART1:实例讲解留学理工类留学文书

提示:为符合小木虫版规发帖,已对原文章进行修改。本系列文章皆为原创,不定期更新。

版权所有,未经作者允许禁止转载,违者必究。

在牛津大学系招生办兼职3年有余,积累了一些识别优秀/劣质文书的能力,也深刻了解小秘筛选文书的原则。利用这点优势,用实例详细剖析一下一篇优秀的文书到底应该具备哪些因素。话不多说,直接上干货(为防止被ZJ/个人肆意盗用,不提供具体修改过程):

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申请IC engineering初稿SOP(已经本人同意),我们来分段解析:
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1.1 首段:
As a person who has harbored the dream of going abroad since entering the university, I didn\\\'t have quite a clear mind of where I should go and why I must do this. I just wonder what the world outside looks like and will that kind of life be very different?
评价:
1.虽然没有太多语法错误,但全是baby language
2.使用疑问形式发问,是文书忌讳之一
3.完全看不出笔者的purpose和goal,是开头段忌讳之一
4.完全看不出笔者的motivation,是开头段忌讳之二

1.2 主体部分(第二段):
I take the view that one thing my parents have passed on to me is the faith that a person should focus his/her attention and passion on one thing to be outstanding at a profession. This explains the reason why I devoted myself wholly and thoroughly to studying every subject. And I am very proud to say that my perspirations were perfectly paid off for I got gratifying scores on these subjects. For instance, I got 96% on A, 91% on B, 87% on C, and also an 87% on D. What\\\'s more, I was the project host of D, which has now passed the national project approval, and is one of the only two national academic projects. I got very much inspired by the contents illustrated by the knowledgeable professors and lecturers in my studies, and yielded plenty of thoughts and ideas, so I wrote a number of dissertations toconvey them. Among which are the published ones such as E; F; G and H.
评价:
1.充斥大量语法错误,不恰当词汇和baby language,句型混乱
2.整段都在陈述经历和背景,重复CV中的内容,是文书忌讳之二
3.申请master/PH.D.将学习成绩作为自身能力的证明,是文书忌讳之三
4.将父母作为motivation和inspiration,非常不具说服力

1.3 主体部分(第三段):
During the first and second year at college, I spent all the time merely on study and got no idea what doing research means. While In the third year, I happened to meet a professor in my department, who latterly became the most influential person on my way of studying abroad. I was asked to do some simple experiments in hydrogen storage materials. After doing much initial work in this field, we got a chance to apply for a provincial-level research project. We worked so hard on preparing the application. During this process, I gradually grew interested in this study field, which, in my mind, may change the whole social energy system in the future. We finally applied for the project successfully and I was selected to be the team leader in the research group. We worked on that project for nearly one year. Though the work was simple, it is totally original and we got some creative results when the project ended. The most important is that I got obsessed in asking questions and coming up with new ideas. Especially when some obstacles were overcome, I felt greatlyaccomplished. That was the feeling I\\\'ve never had before. When my professor Jiang recommended me to pursue a PhD program in University of Tennessee-Knoxville, I was more than excited at first, while after considerable thinking, I finally refused his recommendation kindly. For one thing, I know I\\\'m still not ready. For another, I firmly believe I\\\'m more than that.
评价:
1.将diligence作为能力,是文书忌讳之四
2.将自己的weakpoints在文书中展示/描述负面内容,是文书忌讳之五
3.对于interest/research experience/internship等问题的阐述时,仅仅陈列过程,体会,收获,而没有solid evidence支撑,是文书忌讳之首!
4.通过空话“吹出”ability/skills,是文书忌讳之六
5.通过对比对方的弱势,来显示自己的优势,是文书忌讳之七

1.4 主体部分(第四段):
I came to XX in 2012 to get more research experience. Additionally, unlike my former university, it is much easier to find people harboring the same dream as me. My study field in SJTU, without question, is still XX. During the last nearly 2 years here, I met many obstacles in both life and research. I\\\'m always at wits\\\' end and cannot find a reason to further my research, let alone to study abroad. While I was always telling myself “That’s alright, just keep calm and carry on.”I got through those valleys, and now I have three papers published in a prestigious journal of my field as the first, third and fourth author, respectively. More importantly, I realize what I boast in scientific research now is more than interest. I just enjoy coming up with creative ideas and making breakthroughs in the hydrogen materials or technology. Maybe, one day I will truly change the worldly energy system and make some real differences for the world. Who knows?
评价:
1.再次出现对比问题
2.对于战胜困难的能力体现严重不足
3.再次出现疑问/反问式句型
4.对于long-term和short-term goal没有具象化,全是抽象描述

1.5 结尾段:
Then why study in UK? As many may wonder. Well, it is a long story to tell but I’d like to make things shorter. I have received the idea of developing myself as a whole person since at very young age. So, from the first year of my university life on I have traveled to many countries, such as the UK, Holland and other parts in Europe, to see the big world. During my trips, I met and talked with countless western people, felt
various great cultures and I was deeply touched by English education when in the UK. I was being enormously amazed by how different it can be between China and the West in terms of perspectives of education. I thirsted for owning a chance to experience different academic cultures. Coincidentally my sister is also studying in UK and from her I heard about many beautiful elements of this grand metropolis. I am longing for witnessing the A, B, C and D. From the deep bottom of my heart, dear UK, please take me, like a gracious teacher takes a thirst-for-learning student. I shall be all prepared to dance on this splendid international stage!
评价:
1.大量重复繁冗内容陈述对所申请国家的向往,是结尾段忌讳之一
2.对比中外教育, 是结尾段忌讳之二
3.以认识朋友/教授/家人为申请理由是结尾段忌讳之三
4.恳求语气/比心跪求对方录取是结尾段忌之四

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修改之后的网申稿:
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2.1 首段:
Apart from the fancy energy self-sufficient world dipicted in science fictions, I hold the belief that building a novel energy-based society is achievable in the foreseeable future. In recent years, scientific breakthroughs have contributed to hydrogen fuel cell vehicles, solar powered mobile phones and direct thermal-to-electrical energy conversion systems, which were all beyond our imagination decades ago. Since fiction is metamorphosing into reality swiftly, with the hope that I could fully participate in this transformation, I initiated my journey into the exploration of energy materials at XX University. My long-term goal is to become an expert in energy field, especially energy harvesting, storage and conversion.
评价:
1.语言流畅,思路清晰,词汇适当,grammar error free
2.用实例引出自己的motivation,是首段必备要素之一
3.简洁但清晰陈述goal,是首段必备要素之二

2.2 主体部分(第二段):
My excellent performance in major courses won me the very first opportunity to be part of a province-level research project,  which focused on A. Motivated by the possibilities of this undertaking, I fully immersed myself in. I spent literally the entire day conducting experiments via different testing apparatuses and running various preparation and characterization methods. The valuable research experience enlightened me that besides precision required in sample preparation and property characterization, the beauty of research lies in the mechanism revelation. I also had a first bite of novel energy storage field, especially A, which plays a critical role in the full implementation of B.
评价:
1.主体部分直接过渡到first academic experience,无trash内容
2.用solid evidence支撑interest/research experience/internship,是文书必备要素之首
3.用first academic experience中的inspiration作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience

2.3 主体部分(第三段):
Desired to level up my expertise in certain field, I pursued graduate studies in an advanced XX research lab at XX University. As a research assistant, I seized every opportunity to enhance my research capability. When the A apparatus was introduced into our lab, I volunteered to assemble and manage the equipment, which afforded me a clear view of its mechanisms. Therefore, when the group encountered issues related to the morphology of particles produced by the apparatus, I proposed to alter the reaction current and inner atmosphere, which significantly improved the sample quality. Meanwhile, during the A analysis of B, I observed a general left-shifting of peaks in the C, which was ignored in the weekly reports. Similar results after repeated experiments prompted me to rule out instrument errors as the cause. After a careful lattice constant calculation, I confirmed that this unnoticeable shifting was caused by the D. My critical thinking and rigorous attitude strengthened my competence, and I was given the go signal to start my independent research.
评价:
1.通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills,是文书必备要素之一
2.通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills来solve specific problems,是文书必备要素之二
3.通过solid evidence证明abilities/skills给自己/团队/课题组 bring concrete benefits,是文书必备要素之三
4.abilities/skills中强调一下“overcome obstacles”这一块,是文书必备要素之四
5.再次利用former experience中的accomplishment作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience

2.4 主体部分(第四段):
To convince my supervisor of the feasibility of choosing XX as my research topic, I spent two months preparing a comprehensive research proposal. After I commenced my experiments, everything went smoothly until an A emerged during the B and blocked the C. For two weeks, this puzzle lingered. I consulted with several professors and carefully studied their suggestions. As I had developed the habit of documenting my ideas immediately, I reviewed every note until I realized that the unknown D actually originated from E. The relationship was later proved through a simulation and presented in a published paper (I was first author). This discovery, which was the deciding factor in the quality of my independent research, has shown that persistence in thinking and refusal to surrender to challenges are the keys to success. Emboldened by my accomplishment, I continued my independent research on the E, a key point in its application. After successfully achieving F, as first author, I submitted another original paper.
评价:
1.同样,对于另外一段academic experience, 使用了solid evidenceabilities/skills如何solve specific problems, 且bring concrete benefits
2.对于第三段acadmeic experience, 简单带过,作为supporting information
3.paper/design/books等是作为achievement最直接的证明,但不需要列出具体信息(如paper名等)

2.5 结尾段
The Department of X at X has long been dedicated to developing innovative solutions to the world’s most pressing challenges in X fields. Your professors and students are committed to looking for possible sources of alternative energy while making current ones more sustainable, an endeavor that parallels my vision. There are over eight prominent professors who stay at the forefront of studying A, B and C. Working with them would equip me with both subject-specific knowledge and integrative understanding across a variety of energy issues. In addition, X’s research centers, especially the A, promote energy innovations by providing university-wide interdisciplinary research and national or international collaborations. Therefore, I will have more access to academic exchanges and cross-university facilities to maximize my success. I believe that with my previous excellent research background, which proved me a broadly educated and highly adaptable person, I am a promising candidate for your esteemed program.
评价:
1.program/department的goal如何与personal goal相match,是结尾段必备因素之一
2.罗列并评价哪些prof/course/subjects让你刚兴趣,是结尾段必备因素之二
3.罗列并评价其他让你动心的resources,是结尾段必备因素之三
4.这些prof/course/subject/resources如何助力你的long and short term goals,是结尾段必备因素之四
5.结尾一句话总结全文,表明申请意图,不卑不亢,完美收官。

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END
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对比初稿和网申稿,除了语言,句型的深入优化润色,结构大幅度调整后的连贯性逻辑性提升,最重要的从内容的筛选和亮点提炼上有质的突破。
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freedomzzr

捐助贵宾 (正式写手)


freedomzzr: 回帖置顶 2019-05-14 14:29:42
PART2:【原创】CS类文书写作的那些典型误区

↓↓申请英国CS类硕士SOP原文节选 ↓↓

During my four-year undergraduate study, I have always put study as my priority.

第一句用词及句型都属于baby language;
为无效语句,这种junk statement在文书修改中属于必删内容。

Although I find it a little challenged to gain a full understanding of the courses at first since it was a completely new domain for me to learn. But I still hold the belief that as long as we want it enough, we can definitely work it out.

存在明显的语法错误及baby language;
属于典型的“只要我XX,就能XX”的flag,注意reviewer非常不喜欢这种立flag的语句,会认为你在浪费他们的阅读时间。如果在陈述的开始几句或几段都是这种内容,会造成他们极差的阅读体验。


I still remember vividly that the first time I came across the C language programming, I couldn’t figure out how the whole program was written out. Thus, I came to search every possible area which were related to this. I bought reference books like the fundamental programming skills and the grammarrules of C. I've devoted plenty of time to do the preview and review of the core courses.

作者希望证明自己解决问题的能力,但所举例子只展现自己的reading ability,此能力是属于谁都可以具有的,无法体现自己的特殊性;
没有说明自己如何解决具体的某一个问题,切忌笼统的“我学习了,我提高了,我很开心”这类的表述。


Within several class, I managed to develop a simple calculating system all by myself when the others were still trying to master the basic law of the C program.

没有说明如何开发,开发的成果如何利于自己或者团队,造成什么影响;
切忌与他人进行比较,reviewer非常反感的一点。


Besides, I’m kind of a perfectionist.

这种自立flag的语句应直接删除。


It was in the Internet technology and application class, our teacher made an assignment of making a piece of film about life experiences.

非常奇怪且不可取的句型,reviewer更喜欢straight forward的表达。


A bunch of my classmates choose to make a perfunctory effort because of the limited time. While I decided since we have to complete it, why not do our best? So I spend a whole day sitting in front of my laptop to make a delicate animation.

又是与他人比较凸显自己的能力,要不得;
反问式语句要不得;
最后一句仍然存在无法显示自己能力的问题,这种hard-working是谁都可以具有的;
本文中没有一个实例可以证明自身独特能力。
26楼2019-05-14 14:29:24
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freedomzzr

捐助贵宾 (正式写手)


freedomzzr: 回帖置顶 2019-05-16 11:28:30
留学申请的致命误区:PART3:雅思托福篇

最近有不少学弟学妹来问申请过程中语言准备的问题。

所以这次在评论中单独成文详细阐述一下。

目前主流考试无非IELTS,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT。本文主要讨论雅思及托福。

Q1:我该选择雅思还是托福?
A1:很简单:根据所选国家确定。申英国还是推荐雅思,对于学校申请和签证都是更佳选择。需要注意的是多份考试成绩对于语言argument是有帮助的(后面会详细展开),而且雅思和托福的口语和写作得分标准其实是不对等的。

Q2:语言在网申前还没过怎么办?
A2:口干舌燥强调无数遍了。。。英国高校可以无雅申请/雅思不过申请。注意是包括G5学校在内都可以,而且不会影响录取给conditional offer。

Q3:我该如何选择雅思类型?
A3:建议UKVI。学术类型和UKVI类型是所有英国学校都接受的。UKVI好在如果拿到con offer后语言还没过,差分太大语言argument失败,还有最后一根稻草:语言班。此时学术类雅思是无法参加语言班的。但UKVI国内考位比较紧张,需要提前做好规划。

Q4:语言班是万能的么?
A4:不是。部分学校会提供3-12周不等的语言班选项,通过后即可拿到unconditional offer。但并不是万能的,有以下几点原因:
1. 万一没过,你连考雅思的机会都没有了,offer拿不到,只能延期一年
2. 对于需要申国家公派CSC的小伙伴,3月就得提交没有语言condition的offer,如果选择参加语言班,CSC是连最基本的条件都达不到了
3. 部分学校如牛津大学语言班是不能用来豁免语言的

Q5:拿到con offer后语言差小分或总分刷了N遍还是不达标怎么办?语言成绩还不够报语言班怎么办?急着拿uncon申国家公派CSC怎么办?
A5:一个词ARGUMENT。我认为ARGUMENT是跟文书,网申,选专业选校同等重要但严重被忽略的一项,很多时候会直接决定申请结果。根据历年申请经验:申请就跟求职一样,通过主动出击可以改变的成分太多。ARGUMENT下分套磁教授和语言argument两项。方式分为邮套和面套两种。语言argument对于北美,澳洲,英国,香港等地区高校同等适用,其中英国效果最佳(包括G5学校)。

Q6:怎样做到有效语言argument?
A6:通过邮件/当面语言argument拿到最终uncon offer,有效成果这里只简单提下:包括小分测试,语言面试,临时语言证明,直接豁免等。当然,并不是什么样的语言条件都可以成功,也不是什么样的学校什么样的专业都可以通过argument解决。之前遇到学弟由于自己argue不当连语言班最终都没有拿到,因此整个argue过程讲究时效性,规划性,策略性。
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freedomzzr(金币+1): 谢谢参与
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ryouka

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11楼2019-04-13 10:02:25
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胖栋

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freedomzzr(金币+1): 谢谢参与
支持并祝福了
14楼2019-04-13 12:48:13
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freedomzzr

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引用回帖:
14楼: Originally posted by 胖栋 at 2019-04-13 12:48:13
支持并祝福了

谢谢支持~~~
17楼2019-04-14 10:57:10
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freedomzzr

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引用回帖:
11楼: Originally posted by ryouka at 2019-04-13 10:02:25
nice

谢谢啦~~~
28楼2019-05-16 16:59:20
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